Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Washington (509)

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  My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand

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  (509): My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand http://tfl.nu/ch2o
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  While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.

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  (509): While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop. http://tfl.nu/o4cj
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  Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.

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  (509): Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god. http://tfl.nu/tkyh
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  We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building

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  (509): We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building http://tfl.nu/j4tq
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  This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.

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  (509): This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it. http://tfl.nu/jpqq
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  He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.

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  (509): He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/dvob
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  Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...

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  (509): Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night... http://tfl.nu/llkl
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  How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch

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  (509): How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch http://tfl.nu/j3z1
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  So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?

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  (509): So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh? http://tfl.nu/gcnr
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  The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.

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  (509): The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks. http://tfl.nu/w0s1
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  I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.

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  (509): I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition. http://tfl.nu/x5ll
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  The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.

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  (509): The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift. http://tfl.nu/2o45
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  Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.

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  (509): Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe. http://tfl.nu/eubr
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  Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.

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  (509): Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs. http://tfl.nu/0hn1
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  I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.

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  (509): I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin. http://tfl.nu/0dob
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