I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.