There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch