I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.