I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.