We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?