I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto