I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
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I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
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Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.