I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca