Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.