Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me