he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.