You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.