She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
just got permission to expense a nerf gun