"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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