I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
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Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
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Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.