I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH