The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.