Why are you drunk at the library?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.