It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
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Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
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literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.