i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
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Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
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Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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