Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
