if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
