See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
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He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
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It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.