the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it