Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch