threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?