Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS