I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"