We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.