I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
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He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
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Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.