the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
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Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
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We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.