No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.