He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.