Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.