Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.