My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
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You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.