I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor