You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
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I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
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My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?