Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people