I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.