I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
Dude. She just shit herself.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Did I show you my penis last night?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.