I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
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she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
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I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.