He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs