She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.