thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.