you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar