Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He kissed a someone with a penis
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.