He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again