I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I told you penises don't tan
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He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
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She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?