Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We talked him into tasing himself.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass