Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water