I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
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I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
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If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.