I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
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WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
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at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.