Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Iowa (563)

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  when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.

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  (563): when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle. http://tfl.nu/q5ra
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  Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.

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  (563): Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self. http://tfl.nu/njzb
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  i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...

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  (563): i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes... http://tfl.nu/mlmh
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  He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.

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  (563): He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO. http://tfl.nu/g898
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  even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair

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  (563): even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair http://tfl.nu/e78g
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  whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.

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  (563): whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend. http://tfl.nu/jypi
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  Your favorite bartender is back from prision

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  (563): Your favorite bartender is back from prision http://tfl.nu/uuje
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  My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.

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  (563): My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night. http://tfl.nu/lmn5
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  why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.

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  (563): why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth. http://tfl.nu/0ql9
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  She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...

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  (563): She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman... http://tfl.nu/mfcm
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  I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"

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  (563): I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical" http://tfl.nu/2xah
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  I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.

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  (563): I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase. http://tfl.nu/vq3r
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  Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?

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  (563): Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water? http://tfl.nu/o66m
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  you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?

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  (563): you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship? http://tfl.nu/nsqw
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  The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.

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  (563): The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward. http://tfl.nu/35be
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