The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night