When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.