Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing