Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
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the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
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OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!