OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever