OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.