im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
