I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis