I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.