I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.