I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.