Texts From Last Night

Last Night in California (530)

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  (530): View more from California

  Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication

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  (530): Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication http://tfl.nu/e0p4
  Replies (11) Good night (2238) Bad night (482) Order T-Shirt
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  She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential

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  (530): She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential http://tfl.nu/2o4m
  Replies (5) Good night (3174) Bad night (464) Order T-Shirt
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  On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.

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  (530): On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite. http://tfl.nu/tnfr
  Replies (9) Good night (3841) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
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  I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"

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  (530): I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex" http://tfl.nu/wknw
  Replies (6) Good night (2310) Bad night (522)
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  Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking

  (530): View more from California

  That could use a little rephrasing

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  (530): Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking (530): That could use a little rephrasing http://tfl.nu/xfz9
  Replies (5) Good night (1714) Bad night (606)
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  I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?

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  (530): I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster? http://tfl.nu/nheu
  Replies (32) Good night (525) Bad night (3975) Order T-Shirt
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  the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible

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  (530): the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible http://tfl.nu/pzql
  Replies (5) Good night (482) Bad night (1957) Order T-Shirt
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  He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"

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  (530): He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?" http://tfl.nu/zkkw
  Replies (6) Good night (1652) Bad night (2431) Order T-Shirt
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  I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.

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  (530): I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother. http://tfl.nu/6hsn
  Replies (9) Good night (2417) Bad night (976) Order T-Shirt
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  We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."

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  (530): We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out." http://tfl.nu/0tb5
  Replies (3) Good night (3489) Bad night (733)
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  Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine

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  (530): Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine http://tfl.nu/asqo
  Replies (36) Good night (2047) Bad night (3988) Order T-Shirt
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  I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"

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  (530): I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting" http://tfl.nu/k1xw
  Replies (7) Good night (1899) Bad night (793) Order T-Shirt
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  Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.

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  (530): Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it. http://tfl.nu/z6l9
  Replies (5) Good night (2072) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
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  I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.

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  (530): I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims. http://tfl.nu/5fbz
  Replies (7) Good night (1877) Bad night (954) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover

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  (530): I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover http://tfl.nu/xq4s
  Replies (7) Good night (2639) Bad night (848) Order T-Shirt