Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?