Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
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I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
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I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?