I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
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So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
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I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.