I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Dicks are not precious.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.