you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school