Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.