Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I heard we made out
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
True but thats because hes a fetus.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.